Irangeles, edited by Ron Kelley, explains, “There is an unspoken sense of reciprocity involved in invitations. Excluding someone from a wedding meant dealing with social consequences. Even someone who did not come from an affluent background had to throw an extravagant wedding with numerous guests. Thus, there is an obligation within the community to attend weddings and repay those who invited you by inviting them to your wedding and social functions.” The Iranian Jewish community is a very tight-knit community where everyone has a dignified respect for one another, and always feels the need to give back to the community. Thus, excluding someone from one momentous occasion within the community is akin to blacklisting that person, which then precedes that person reciprocating this action by excluding, or blacklisting you. People become very offended by this, it is seen as the most outright sign of disrespect to that person. Irangeles states, “Members of the community have the obligation to throw a social event, to attend social events, and then to repay the host back by throwing another event. It is a delicate balance between hosting, attending, and repaying. This explains how the community is obliged to reciprocate, or pay back members of the community by hosting such events, even if they didn’t have the ability to do so. They then receive a reciprocation of the invitation to attend another event, and then starting the whole process over again by repaying, or hosting another event. The balance amongst hosting, attending, and repaying is then seen as the most prominent way to give back to the community.
The Jewish Journal article titled, Iranian Jewish Couples trapped by six-figure party dilemma, Melamed Karmel writes, “Some young Iranian Jewish newlyweds say that while they did not necessarily want a large wedding, they feel pressure from their parents and extended family to put on a more lavish affair. Their parents, they say, feel an obligation to invite people whose parties they have attended.” This article professes the profound pressure and obligation to host an extravagant wedding, even if the couple didn’t want it because of the obligation in inviting people who have either reciprocated an invitation before, or so that you don’t become blacklisted. Because the Iranian Jewish community has kept reciprocating, as a custom for many years now, evading from this custom, does not present itself as a feasible option that they would be able to uphold. Irangeles states, “Engagement parties were even larger because people who were not invited to the wedding invitation were invited to the engagement party instead.” Because reciprocating is a custom that is prominent within older generations of the Iranian Jewish community, many couples today don’t believe in supporting a lavish wedding, and support the idea of having small intimate weddings instead. This is seen as an immense obstacle for Iranian parents, so they compromise with the married couple in having a bigger engagement instead, so that to not offend any members of the community.
Reciprocating has become a bigger problem nowadays, because of the disapproval of today’s generation. An article in the Jewish Journal titled, Wedding story really strikes a chord with L.A.’s Iranian Jews, Karmel Melamed states, “We as younger Iranian Jews really need to outreach and communicate this key message better to our relatives who have such high expectations of being invited to every single party or gathering nowadays.” I agree with Melamed when he basically says that we need to stop living up to the Iranian Jewish communities custom in reciprocating, because its not only about getting invited to the next party, its about celebrating this occasion with the people you love, which is something the newer generations are trying to convey to the older generations.
Many financial pressures persist in hosting a lavish wedding as the Iranian Jewish community expects you to uphold. Kelley states, “The average amount of money people pay for a wedding ranges from $60,000 to $100,000, which does not include the numerous parties that take place before the wedding. The typical Iranian Jewish wedding will have anywhere from five hundred to one thousand guests. Many wedding are held in hotels by the LAX airport because those hotels are equipped to hold business conventions—they can accommodate large groups of guests.” This information goes to show just how lavish an Iranian Jewish weddings are. Iranian Jewish weddings are also a way to make Iranian Jewish businesses flourish because of the much-needed involvement by businesses to contribute to the very extravagance of the wedding. These businesses include Iranian Jewish florists, caterers, seamstresses, photographers, musicians, etc. Melamed indicates, “For the record, I can understand the tremendous pressure young Iranian Jewish couples feel to please their parents when it comes to their weddings. Yes, we love and respect our parents. We also don’t want to let them down… yet at the same time, the sad reality is that we no longer live in Iran and cannot afford to invite so many guests.” I agree with Melamed when he says that we are not in Iran anymore, and we cannot afford these lavish weddings that are expected of us, just so we can make our parents happy! In Melamed’s article, Iranian Jewish couples trapped by six-figure party dilemma,” he tells of a man who, under family pressure, is undergoing large debts just to pay off this lavish wedding that is expected of his parents and the community. He is struggling with the idea of supporting such a wedding, and letting his family down. The article goes on to prove that the financial pressure is so high that most weddings have been called-off, or result in divorce because of this enthralling pressure. Melamed goes on to say, “There’s also concern that local Iranian Jews will marry outside of the community or outside of the faith in order to escape the mounting six-figure wedding pressure.” This statement goes to show the result of this astounding pressure of having a six-figure party, that Iranian Jews are now seen getting married outside of the community or faith, just because the financial pressure of supporting a wedding this big is so high. After reading into this problem, and why it is that the Iranian Jewish community expects such a lavish wedding, I realized that it comes down to societal pressures and the need to fit in. That leads me to an even bigger question. Who are you trying to please in your life? All these weddings simply show off someone's financial status. Having such an expensive, and exquisite wedding leads to the belief that the bride has married into a family of great financial status, and of profound elegance. These weddings also benefit the Iranian Jewish community a great deal because they obtain a feeling of relief and accomplishment, that either their son or daughter is marrying into a good, or rich family, and to show off to the community that this is indeed true, and to celebrate their efforts in marrying their son and daughter off to this type of family.
Social status is very important in the Iranian Jewish community. Therefore, many social obligations persist. Kelley portrays, “Wedding and other events are not merely social gatherings. There are social obligations and economic considerations involved in throwing and attending parties, and thus, they serve a greater function within the community.” These social obligations are seen through the reciprocity of invitations, and the financial pressures in pleasing the Iranian Jewish community. It goes beyond a social gathering, these parties uphold a person’s social status, and that is why weddings serve a greater function in the Iranian Jewish community. Kelley manifests, “Iranian Jews place a lot of emphasis on paziraeeh. It is important within the culture to always act correctly and not offend anyone.” Iranian Jews see their social obligation as a community through paziraeeh, or catering to the needs and wants of people. They use this attitude in their daily lives, the very thought of always needing to please people, is highly impacted on this community. Displeasing anyone, is simply unacceptable, because it is frowned upon to a great extent. This constitutes why it is that the Iranian Jewish community feels so constrained and committed to reciprocating invitations so that no one gets offended and everyone is pleased, spending six-figures on a party in order to show off their financial status and social position to please the Iranian Jewish community. Melamed states, “I was recently informed that one engaged Iranian Jewish couple kept putting off plans for their wedding because of their families fighting over the number of guests.” This fact coincides with that of paziraeeh, because the family was fighting over the number of guests, in order to please all their guests and to follow their custom of reciprocation. Kelley indicates, “Weddings and other events are important because they keep the community together through a network of socializing and indebtedness.” The Iranian Jewish community feel obligated to have these events in order to allow people to come and socialize, whether it be about business, or meeting people for a potential marriage, and so on, so that we keep the Iranian Jewish community alive throughout generations. This thought also adds to the reason why people throw such extravagant parties because they want their family, and their well being to appeal to their community, so that they will be noticed, for future endeavors. Kelley reaffirms this point when he proclaims that the Iranian Jewish community, feel compelled to possess these large weddings in order to maintain their social status in the community.
In conclusion, the Iranian Jewish community feels the need to host such lavish weddings in order to maintain their custom of reciprocity through invitations, show off their social status by giving into financial pressures they to uphold such parties, and because of their social obligation to please every member of the prominent Iranian Jewish community. Reciprocity of invitations holds a very delicate balance between hosting parties, attending parties, and repaying parties. This process has been adapted into the Iranian Jewish community as a prominent custom that is almost impossible to eradicate, because of the constant need to please people within the community. In the case of not upholding this custom, or not inviting others who have invited you in the past, or not inviting people who expect invitations could lead to the permanent blacklisting of the family. Jessica and Mahnaz Lavi further validate the point that one main factor in having these big weddings as Mahnaz proclaims, is because they don’t want to displease any member of the community, and they feel that they owe something to them because of the custom of reciprocity, which constitutes why these weddings are so big. The fact that they will feel embarrassed by not inviting these people to the wedding shows just how important this custom is. I agree with Melamed when he states the importance of young Iranian Jews communicating the message of doing away with the idea of reciprocity. We live in a time now where the young Iranian Jews can speak up and explain that it is their wedding, and even though their parents feel obligated to invite certain people to the wedding, the young Iranian Jews should feel obligated to express the fact that it is their wedding and they will do whatever it is to make them happy. Jessica fought for what she believed in and told her parents that the wedding is hers, she has the will to do whatever she wants with it, and the engagement was to her parents, and that is the compromise they conjured up. Throughout the financial pressures in upholding such an exquisite wedding, it is clear that the reason behind possessing these parties is for the promise of presenting the families’ social status, or financial status. Throughout these sources, I have found that affording such weddings is a great struggle, and the main concern for the newer generation is not letting down their families, but when it comes to the point where these weddings are so hard to support, that a person has to take out a loan in supporting the costs of the wedding, that person must face his family and let them know that he cant, and he wont. It is evident that Social obligation plays a big role in the Iranian Jewish community through the custom of reciprocity, and being financially pressured into upholding such weddings as a means to create the stigma that this family is indeed of great wealth and class, and their social withstanding is of great virtue. The Iranian Jewish community upholds the act of paziraeeh, in which they constantly feel the urge to please people in their community in their daily lives, this idea seeks to validate the reason why they are so committed in reciprocating invitations, and possessing these parties as a means to please their community and become noticed as a family who is worthy and upholds a great social withstanding. Reciprocity, financial pressures, and social obligations are three of the most prominent motives, as to why the Iranian Jewish community throws such lavish weddings.
